friends

I don’t know why I find it really difficult to keep up with friends. They tend to drift away, and I think that it’s probably largely my own fault. I really envy people that can keep a decent network of friends, especially when they all get on together. None of my individual friends really know each other, and it’s always been a bit uncomfortable when they meet each other.

I’ve never really been a very social person, and I’m inclined to avoid social situations if I can. Whenever I consider asking anyone to a social occasion (or get invited to one), be it dinner, a drink or even just lunch, I talk myself out of it. I immediately think of what might happen – the awkward pauses, running out of things to say, saying the wrong thing, getting invited to another social occasion. I just feel that it’s better not to try. It seems so much easier to just go home. Also, as much as anything, I think about Victoria, and how she would be affected – am I neglecting her if I go without her? If she does come with me, would she find it boring or awkward? I don’t know where all of these thoughts come from; could they be from past experience? In fact, I’ve found myself avoiding all social situations lately. It probably has something to do with a lack of confidence.